CW: intrusive thoughts, reference to psychiatric violence

When intrusive thoughts began dismantling my life I became obsessed with the idea of voluntarily erasing my memory (head thump rip hair). Surely it should be possible; we had bionic limbs and electroshock therapy (zap fence running scared). People could lose their memory accidentally. Hadn’t something evolved out of lobotomising, a way to burn away part of the brain (hot kettle argument throw)?

I dared to imagine a life where I was free and empty enough to enjoy things like listening to rainfall and walking through the woods (trees unease weight body). I was sure that doctors had a method, it would just be against some code of ethics. I researched clinics, here and abroad, drafted looping emails, received no replies (rejected untagged no likes).

Failing again, I realised that even if every memory was gone my mind would still find something to needle into me until its fingers folded the skin (drunk dark bruise grab). It would come from social media or going out and seeing a bigot swearing and blaring in the street (hate doxx mob vote). Even if I lived in a land of soft blur and ignorance the thoughts would appear, because it wasn’t the memories themselves that were rotten (face slap bitch mutter). Everyone has their own night-time rewinds. It was my mind (forever entangled no escape). The evil wasn’t grinning in the photos, but poison eked into the developing fluid.