Hippophobia

sounds like the fear of the hippopotamus, but is really an alternate name for equinophobia, which is the fear of horses, which I have, to a degree (they need to keep their distance), but mostly because my mother told me a story at a young age of how a girl broke her pelvis after being thrown from a horse that went crazy, which I now realize is similar to a story she told me about a girl who broke her neck snow skiing and another girl who broke her back water skiing, and there are so many of these stories in my head about girls getting hurt that it’s no wonder I have so much fear of what’s larger than me, of things breaking, of behavior I can’t quite control.

The Doctor Says I’m Too Presentable To Be Anything But Normal

The diagnosis is not clear, but I always feel on. A lightning bug that never stops glowing. The list of things to do that never stops growing. Many little lists. Rainbow Post-Its strewn around my life as constant reminders. As if I could really ever forget to do anything. Except that one time I forgot to turn off the water and the bathroom became the bluest lagoon. 

The doctor says I’m too presentable to be anything but normal. What’s his definition of normal? Well, something strange is going on because I want to sleep forever and I’m counting all the ways I can avoid him. Now he says I might be anti-social or bipolar, and prescribes a mood stabilizer and enough benzos to keep me coming back each month for more.

I was once prescribed Adderall and was so anxious I bore holes the shape of toes into my shoes. The way that one adverse reaction was dismissed so quickly as not a sign of ADHD. But my mind is everywhere at once, and I challenge you to hold my attention just a little longer so you can find it.

Nicole Tallman (she/her) is the Poetry Ambassador for Miami-Dade County, Associate Editor for South Florida Poetry Journal and Interviews Editor for The Blue Mountain Review. Her debut chapbook, "Something Kindred," is forthcoming in January 2022 from The Southern Collective Experience (SCE) Press. Find her on Instagram and Twitter @natallman and at nicoletallman.com.