LOOK WE’RE BOTH ADULTS HERE AND I THINK WE CAN AGREE THAT SHOWERING TOGETHER ISN’T AS GOOD AS IT SOUNDS

by Shawn Berman

before heading out to the farmers market to look at artisan apples and homemade hacky sacks, you ask me if i want to take a shower with you—you know like one of those sexy showers you say, the one where i stand in the corner, freezing cold shivering from the lack of warmth, eyes stinging from the vanilla bean soap that keeps burning my corneas, my vision slowly deteriorating, until i accept the fact that i should just wait this one out and finish washing my body completely when you’re actually done.

but since i’m a sucker for a potentially good time i say sure, sure why not, i got nothing else going on for me right now; all i was going to do was sit on the couch and watch a funny sloth video, the video where the sloth starts dancing and wailing his arms back and forth when he has to go to the bathroom, similar to those wacky inflatable tube men at car dealerships.

and even though you think that video’s stupid and silly, you still pretend to laugh whenever i show it to you because your love for me is pure and you swear you’ll never leave me even though my sense of humor doesn’t align with yours, which pretty much confirms that you’re:

s

u

p

e

r

h

u

m

a

never gonna give me up, let me down, turn around and desert me in the middle of a nebraskan cornfield and force me to find my way back home because you know my directional skills are horrible. i promise i’m working on them, though.

Shawn Berman plays a mean air guitar. Some of his work is featured in Hobart, Maudlin House, and Little Old Lady Comedy. Follow him on Twitter @sbb_writer.