S1 E1 – Screw the Pooch 

The first day back, the dogs sniff each other’s butts while their dads, men of similar disappointments and altitudes, brag about their summers like huffing each other’s farts; Abby reprimands everyone but Biscuit’s dad for prioritizing family over summer classes like an egg-shaped dictator beside a pyramid of covered headshots; ‘On the bottom of pyramid: Cornball,’ Abby says, ‘Be perfect—use your face to weevil into each judge’s heart,’ and Cornball licks its crotch, making Abby snap, ‘This self-congratulatory, masturbatory attitude’s why Cornball’s plateaued!’; this week’s routine involves cowboy costumes, and you barely suppress contempt for people who dress up dogs; your wife texts, ‘How’s it going?’ and you respond, ‘Great!’ while feeling dead inside because she was right about this creepy pursuit; everyone barks about ‘inequity’ and Biscuit’s ‘favoritism,’ which Biscuit’s dad ignores until they mock his dissolving marriage, then he cries to Abby, ‘Those monsters are so mean’; and at competition, Carlos defecates on stage, and afterward, Abby explodes, ‘Way to screw the pooch!’ leaving the dads crying and you chronically whatevering.

46 mins   Air Date: 05/27/2022   TV69    TLC

S1 E2 – No Place for Underdogs

At pyramid, Abby says, ‘If you’re happy with second, congratulations, but you know how I feel: Second’s first to lose’; Abby used Carlos’ headshot as toilet paper to send a message, but Carlos is mostly excited about new substances to sniff; for redemption, you’re ‘taking big swings,’ so the pups are wearing swimsuits, upsetting everyone because ‘it’s inappropriate,’ which confounds you because they’re dogs; ‘Maybe you’re overreacting,’ you float out less like a balloon and more like a kamikaze aircraft; when Abby screeches about executing, it sounds more like sending the pups to a firing squad than mastering a routine; making the most of your time amounts to little more than shadowboxing on a dance floor; ‘Abby only gives Biscuit good choreography,’ Darcy’s dad whimpers in a confessional, ‘If Darcy got a chance, she’d see Darcy’s a star, too’; and during competition, lights distract Muffin, and Abby snarls, ‘We had a fabulous piece, and you blew it—now we’re just idiots with dogs in swimsuits,’ though you don’t think Muffin’s mistake changed anything. 

44 mins   Air Date: 06/03/2022   TV69    TLC

S1 E3 – Save Your Tears for the Kennel

Muffin’s picture’s removed from pyramid ‘after that embarrassment,’ Muffin’s dad beseeches Abby, ‘Think about Muffin’s feelings,’ and Abby growls, ‘Save your tears for the kennel,’ while Muffin gleefully licks sticky residue on the floor; Biscuit’s atop pyramid because Biscuit’s dad brought Abby cheeseburgers post-blowout, and you wonder who the real bitch is if Abby needs treats, too; in a confessional, Muffin yawns a sweet puppy yawn with a dramatic underscore; this week’s routine depicts residual Cold War consequences and, most importantly, involves cute hats; during rehearsals, Florence mounts Biscuit, whose dad accosts you, ‘I knew you’d pull this jealous shit,’ like sex was just a sloppy a coup; these dads creep you out with how they treat pets like spouses and vise versa and won’t be satisfied until their four-legged concubines crawl into bed to consummate their union; and during competition, Roary loses its hat, shuffles it around, and Abby’s cookie-shaped face turns so red you briefly believe in spontaneous human combustion and cathartically imagine her bursting into trauma confetti.

43 mins   Air Date: 06/10/2022   TV69    TLC

S1 E4 – Schrödinger’s Dog

Biscuit’s atop pyramid, ‘I gave you a job, and you executed flawlessly,’ and Roary’s at bottom, ‘Were you looking for your talent and brains under that hat?’; Abby, a manifested police sketch of an unhinged woman who relishes pump-faking dogs too much, announces, ‘I’m lighting a fire under your asses: meet Bruiser,’ and a pit bull with sinewy, corded muscles lurches in; Abby evidently adopted this ‘pound puppy’ to motivate via terror; this week’s routine is based on Nineteen Eighty-Four, though observing Abby arrogate, she clearly missed the point; you realize if you listened to your wife, this shit-show would practically be nonexistent, like Schrödinger’s Dog; after intimidating Abby, Bruiser supplants Biscuit; and during competition, Bruiser pushes Darcy, ruins the routine, and Abby blames Darcy whose dad muzzles himself from fear of Bruiser. 

42 mins   Air Date: 06/17/2022   TV69    TLC

S1 E5 – Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

At pyramid, Abby walks Bruiser in dejectedly, practically getting dragged, exuding corroded confidence, which you suspect’s from cohabitating a cramped apartment with Bruiser; ‘I’m having personal problems,’ Abby croaks with lobotomized eyes, ‘but I’m a professional, and the show must go on’; Abby reprimands Darcy as her tail wags, ‘You didn’t just obstruct the lead—you obstructed our shot at victory,’ and praises Bruiser, ‘You demonstrated marvelous poise,’ but talks like a hostage on camera proving they’re alive; this week’s routine is called SOS; Biscuit’s dad repeats, ‘Ab’s just being nice—we’ve been on top so much I’m not worried at all,’ but if his skin was any thinner, he’d be a translucent sack of bones and organs; talking about Biscuit’s arbitrary accolades, you think, is tantamount to bragging about having boatloads of Monopoly money in offshore bank accounts; and at competition, Bruiser attacks the judges, resulting in ejection and Abby howling, ‘Watch Air Bud 6: Pupdown to see the stars I’ve made.’

47 mins   Air Date: 06/24/2022   TV69    TLC

S1 E6 – Lucky to Have Muzzle

Observing existential debris in Abby’s car, you realize she’s been sleeping there since adopting Bruiser, rendering her life a never-ending, more depressing Hoarders episode because at least they have homes; at pyramid, Abby blinks excessively like encoded supplication no one tries deciphering because she’s a dumpster fire human; you realize what happens inside the studio is less about what happens inside it and more about what doesn’t and there’s much less to you guys than there is of you; this week’s routine is entitled Bruised and Battered, and whatever composure Abby had’s in remission; watching Bruiser, Biscuit’s dad repeats, ‘He sticks out like a sore thumb,’ and when you remind him Bruiser’s female, he scoffs, ‘Whatever—you couldn’t wait for another dog to bully Biscuit,’ which isn’t untrue but is still semantics; at competition, judges lead dogs discretely into dark rooms with peanut butter, and you’re grateful for Bruiser because they avoid that psychotic muscle; Abby emotionally watches the routine, and when you ask if she’s OK, she abruptly stops responding, and you look up at Bruiser leering with predatory vigilance; and Abby’s absent backstage, making everyone realize how much they rely on her invalidation for validation like a social media platform. 

45 mins   Air Date: 06/31/2022   TV69    TLC

S1 E7 – In the Doghouse

A muzzled Abby crawls in with Bruiser clenching her leash in its jaws, and you wonder if this is torture or a fetish; the muzzle renders Abby unintelligible, but everyone intuits her aspersions like she drilled telepathic links into your psyches via traumatization; this week’s routine is called Crime and Punishment, and Abby rambles, ‘Sometimes, in life, you screw up and face consequences…’; you start thinking you and Florence are a singular entity, vicariously existing through Florence, and resenting Biscuit’s dad, and consequently Biscuit; browsing dog outfits online, you say, ‘Florence can do anything your dogs can,’ cuing synchronized eye-rolls; before competition, Abby stands on stage wearing a sign with I’M A PATHETIC LOSER scrawled as if by a dog gripping a Sharpie with its mouth; during the routine, Florence mounts Biscuit, and you think Biscuit had it coming; and backstage, Abby erupts over that ‘disgusting, debauched display’ wearing sign, muzzle, and leash, and you crumble, ‘We deserve better,’ and Abby laughs humorlessly, ‘You deserve nothing—you’re dirt beneath my feet,’ and Bruiser walks Abby out while the dogs sniff her butt like it’s one big game. 

41 mins   Air Date: 07/07/2022   TV69    TLC

S1 E8 – The Big Pound in the Sky

At pyramid, Florence languishes at bottom, and you tearfully repeat, ‘Florence deserves a shot at nationals,’ though it’s more about finally having a surrogate for your ego to clamor into a monstrosity, but you put those thoughts down like a dog; this week’s routine is called All Dogs Go to Heaven; during rehearsals, you say you’re using the bathroom but wait by the vending machine for Abby’s ritualistic visit to divulge Biscuit’s dad’s saying they’re ‘outta opportunities to take things to the next level’; Abby relegates Biscuit to the background, gives Florence the lead, and Biscuit’s dad howls, ‘Florence will ruin the number,’ while other dads instill half-assed camaraderie because you’re ‘a team’; on stage, Florence runs in circles while a deplorable smile smears across Biscuit’s dad’s face; backstage, before Abby unloads her dossier of contempt, a masked PETA contingent assassinates her; it’s revealed Abby adopted Bruiser for protection (futilely, considering The Big Pound in the sky she’s impounded in) after undisclosed sources (Biscuit’s dad, who apparently meant ‘CIA operative’ by ‘government worker’) discovered the plot; and surveying the unfazed pups and shell-shocked dads, you realize maybe you’re more of a crazy cat person.

49 mins   Air Date: 07/14/2022   TV69    TLC