Two Poems

by Scott Aaron Tait

CW: sexual references, body dysmorphia, fatphobia

gay fat

hide the belly / sat like buddha without the leering grin / cover myself with oversized t-shirts / drowning in fabricated shame / escape reality / cover the bedroom mirror with a throw / like a victorian widow in mourning / a blank grindr profile replies / you’d be cute if you were thin / while domtop87 seeks chubby slave / not my scene / how’d I get here / from skinny twink to dad bod / ten year challenge / let’s go from dad bod to chunky muscle cub by 40

first times

they say you never forget your first. i wish i could remember which was the first. so many firsts when you’re young. i was in my skinny era. he was ripped, cute, and out of my league. indulging in his jock era. a hot glorious summer fling. he only wanted a quickie but stayed to cuddle after. who does that? did I even get his name? was it mark, sean, or paul? me barely eighteen and him twenty-something. i wasn’t his first. i once went to a cottage. not in the country with a garden of lavender and forget-me-nots but underground and dank. i stepped over the ghosts of victorian queers. the air putrid with piss. stained cracked tiles, grime and muck! dicks already out, no words spoken. just a look. too panicked to run and yet too curious to miss out. hands touched cocks. fingers touched necks. lips touched lips. FOOTSTEPS. quick rush to a cubicle. door closed. on knees. ‘get to work’. i think boyfriend number one was the real first. those before don’t count. relationships are tricky. it’s all give and take, top and bottom. versatile? i don’t know her. it ends in tears or silence. you move across country and start again. another first and not the last.

Scott Aaron Tait (he/they) is a queer autistic writer with a Fine Art MFA from Newcastle University. Their writing has been published in The Write Launch, Odd Magazine, Untitled Voices, Pastel Pastoral, From the Farther Trees, Warning Lines, Small Leaf Press and Unstamatic Magazine. Scott was shortlisted for Theatre Cloud’s ‘Tell a Tale’ Prize, received an ‘LGBTQ+ Free Read’ from The Literary Consultancy and is a mentee of the Cornerstones Elevate Mentor Scheme. They are currently editing their debut YA fantasy novel with support from an editor at Bloomsbury Publishing. In addition to writing, Scott is the editor-in-chief of the LGBTQIA+ magazines Queerlings and Powders Press. Between meltdowns, they collect things, mostly books, and drink copious amounts of coffee. For more on their work please visit www.scottaarontait.com and follow them on Twitter @scottaarontait.