CW: religious abuse

being afraid & the weight of being a son.

To be the rock of Sisyphus is to be a son.

If you want to be the son of your father, you must first learn:

• To close your mouth. Learn to shut up. Your body is not your temple, it is the place where your father goes to take care of his forgotten prayers.

• To turn your voice around. Learn to repeat yourself. Your home is not your home if it is your home. Your home is not your home if it is your father’s.

• To run from yourself. Learn to escape. Your limbs are what keeps you moving, do not cut them off. If you need calories, eat your own heart. It is not worth it to keep yourself human.

If you want to be your father’s son, you must learn you are not your father’s son. Your father’s arteries are clogged with clumps of regret, but he will not admit it. To admit to regret is to admit to be wrong, to admit to be wrong is to admit to be a bad person. That is what your father thinks.

“Gentle” is a word never used to describe you. You learn to brew gentleness in your own house, despite the scarcity of it. You build a church and realize you do not believe.

TRUST ME, TIME WILL HEAL.

No, it won’t.

Some wounds need to be sewed together. As soon as my mother tries to medicate, I explode like a balloon. Weak to the touch, soft, I finally learnt to be gentle – but at what cost?

In the German language, the word for religion and the word for belief is the same.

I wrote a piece for Sisyphus, If he’s listening, while pushing his boulder up the mountain, I hope he feels loved. I hope he sits down, sweaty forehead & trembling hands, next to the Ouroboros.