CW: Suicidal Ideation

I want this to be a hopeful poem, but that summer

is this summer

and it isn’t over yet. No matter what happens

know that I love you. No matter what happens

know that I’m trying. Everyday

I tell myself

that there’s still some things I haven’t done

that might be worth doing,

still some bands I haven’t seen live,

still some friends I haven’t danced with.

It’s harder now. I don’t know when

I’ll get to do those things again.

But I’m still trying, and no matter what

saguaros will still be covered in flowers come spring

and that’s something.

One year, as hard or harder than this one,

I went camping for my birthday. And I don’t like camping

but it was my friend’s birthday too, and I like her

and I liked her sister even more. So, I went camping

and I walked alone into the woods and read

What It Looks Like To Us and the Words We Use by Ada Limón

and started sobbing. And I don’t know what that means

but it means something to me.

I hold onto that, on nights like this.

Nights like this are most nights

some years and some nights every year,

but tomorrow I’m gonna wake up and I’ll still be here

and I don’t know what that means

but it means something.